Bad Stomach

Lately my stomach has been acting up again.

It's not out of the usual, but there are periods of time that are worse than others, and it is quite unpleasant.

When your body starts acting up, even doctors don't always have much to do. For me, doctors seems more and more as blind men feeling their way around. They know where some of the furniture items are located in the room, but more than a little, they smash their toes against different corners.

After trying western medicine, I went to TCM. To be honest, I did not stick with it for long, but as far as I did - it didn't do much help.

Now the next step is a detoxification diet followed by food additives. Woo Hoo.

Diets are more difficult for me, as I am already on a constant one. So any more restrictions, just makes me pissed.

But my stomach might win this argument. It's still better to feel good than to eat good.

I'll wait and see.

Depressions

They come to me sometimes unexpectedly,  or sometimes triggered or enhanced by an argument or a fight.


Now it's the holidays for the most part. It drops on me like a heavy cloth of thick fabric. Heavy feeling in my chest, smile wiped from my face, feeling like you want to cry, just on the verge of crying.


Some sounds are made sharper, some are swallowed into the background.


All I want is to go home and crawl under a blanket to shut the world away. And I cannot. Life goes on. Work goes on. Got to eat, got to pay expenses. Got to live. Dying is not an option.

Top of the World

Got me a new job. Sitting at the 26th floor of a building.

It's the first time I worked at a place that's so high. Nor always dressed in a suit (minus a jacket)

I take it as an experience. They say clothes make the person, or the other way around?

But it does feel different being well dressed for work. I'm not sure whether its due to feeling snazzy, or to something else.. time will tell.

Is this existence all there is, or is there more?

Sweating Bullets

Being in a tropical country is cause for sweating.

Here every day is a new sweaty day. Some evenings its cooler, sometimes its almost as hot.

Sitting here without a shirt and letting the fan cool me off.. what else can I do.

People here move from fan to A/C to fan, to street, to A/C. For me it brought a virus infection, but it's also my weak immune system.

Tropical however, also mean rain, and quite often. I like that. Rain is one of my life favourites. Especially when I'm indoors.. but sometimes I do feel like going out and getting all wet :)

(Almost) All my bags are packed..

It is said that I should be more psyched, and get excited, scared, or just generally more worried towards this big move.

Well, I chose not to. All in the line of keeping my worry level to a minimum as long as I can.

Of course, my sub-concsious is another matter. At night I grind my teeth and feel the results when I wake up, as well as strained muscles from over-active dreams and flailing.

During the day, I actually look forward to it. It is a great adventure for me to pack up all my belongings, and uproot myself to another place, another culture, so far away from what I know.

I keep myself optimistic and keep reminding myself that where-ever life takes me, it's going to be a good place. both for my soul and for my body.

The fear of change is always lurking behind the shadows, but I will not let it hold me back. Talking about change is cheap, getting the courage and resolution to actually perform a change - that's the real big test.

Signaling Defficiency

Here in Israel, A lot of people seems to be having trouble with using signaling lights in their cars.

For me it's somewhat of a mystery. Maybe because I took a while to get my license, or maybe because I know how important it is to keep signaling even when there's no one else on the road to see it.

I remember going on a short car ride with my brother, and when he entered my parents neighborhood, or even before, he "lost" his ability to signal.

When I commented to him about it, he said "it's just in the neighbourhood and it's safe".

Well, laws of traffic don't change inside any urban area. and when you stop signaling in one place it gives an opening for doing the same in other places.

A lot of people drive here like they're on a cross-country rally race. Speeding and slowing and weaving (without signaling of course) in and out of lanes. The laws of traffic seem to pass them by as does common sense.

I seen first hand what this can cause. I had an accident happen in front of my eyes because one of those insane people cut in front of me to bypass a car in the right lane, and crashed head on into a car that did an emergency stop so as to avoid hitting a kid who crossed the road on his bike.

Even after he hit the car, the guy went out of his car and went to the old man sitting shocked in the car he just hit, trying to shift the blame to the kid that crossed the road.

If he wasn't driving so fast with no regard to anyone, that accident could have been avoided. I was lucky to keep good distance so I could brake in time to avoid hitting them both.

Sometimes I think these people drive their cars with a death wish in their hearts.

Blurry Mind

I have been battling with this fatigue for so long. They say that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is diagnosed only after at least 6 months of continued unexplained tiredness and fatigue.

Well, I have been like that for way way way more than half a year. Blood tests show nothing is wrong. Eye tests (so far) show everything's fine. And it makes me wonder sometimes how much of an hypochondriac I must seem to people.

But I know how I feel. and I cannot (I wish I could) shrug it away and get on with my life. It actually affects my life too much to be able to ignore it.

So I continue with tests, and I still go to work because I cannot take too many sick days without losing my job.

And the doctors they don't know. the more time passes the more I see how clueless they really are. Like little boys with toys.

She's Back!

G is back! Woo Hoo!


I picked her up from the airport this morning, and we had fun opening some of the stuff she brought back.

It was great to see her again. She didnt have a crappy flight for a change, and was in a good mood.

She got me a new watch and a new pair of sneakers. (Photos will follow at a later date)

Life is better now. May it stay that way :)

Relationships

Never been good at those. Probably for lack of experience.

Making mistakes seems to be the thing I do "best" in them.

It's mostly for lack of thinking, or selfishness. I could always blame it on my ADD, but it just doesn't cut it really.

I think it's like a monster in me that's trying to rebel. against what? against conformity maybe. against being tied up or domesticated. and it's not like I'm not. for the most part I am. domesticated that is. damn, it doesnt read that good.

But I do want a place to call home that includes more than just me in it. I want someone to take care of, and that want and does care for and of me.

So I keep on trying, and as I try I still make mistakes, but I also learn. sometimes not fast enough, or not well enough.



新年快樂

Falling apart

Thanks to James W Johnson

Lately my body feels like falling apart. My eye got bloody over night, I went thru small surgery and got stitches, and now I broke a piece of my nail and had to cut it off. Also, I suspect its time to change the number on my prescription glasses.

Small stuff, but together it tends to remind me the fragile character of this flesh, bones and blood exterior we carry around and rely upon.

I tend to take it for granted, but now and then I stop and have a short moment of enlightenment as to how lucky I really am. Even with my celiac, short eye sight, and stomach problems, I am still mostly healthy. Got all my limbs and important organs intact.

So thank you god for that. and thanks for the luck I got. It's not always what I want, but most of the time, it's what I need.

Nanu Nanu

Been watching a lot of "Mork & Mindy" lately. Can you tell?

Love it. The first season was great. The second season was tailored for younger crowd and slumped some, but I still like it.

Robin Williams is a one man circus, and the other actors are basically supporting roles (mostly) to help him deliver the jokes.

I bet (if) he looks back on this show's episodes he wonders "I really was that skinny once? and whats with that hair? what was I thinking?!" But he still smiles.

For myself I see the sadness in him. even with the crazyness and all the joking, he always striked me as a sad person. using humor to hide his sadness and drawing from people laughter the encouragement he needed in life.

I dont know that for a fact, its just a feeling.

That, and he is known to be bi-polar.

My Hero Dream

I woke up today after having a long dream which was an heroic adventure.



It was my first hero dream (as far as I remember).



I was on a commercial flight. Then some fighter planes (or smaller planes) started chasing us aiming to bring us down. Somehow the pilot/s were out and I had to take over the plane and try and bring us to safety.



I did some evasive manuvering (as much as possible considering it was a big airliner), and then spotted two smaller civilian passanger planes. I knew that the fighters in pursuit will go after them as well, so I went under one of them and let it piggyride on my plane, and then went under the second one and piggyrided it above the first one.



With two airplanes stacked on top of my airplane, I was heavy and had to land somewhere.



I went slowly circling above a big city, and started going on smaller and smaller circles, till I saw a big street which even though it didnt have a long road that could be considered as a makeshift runway, seemed suitable for me to touch ground.



so I circled smaller and smaller, and then stalled the plane as I was about to touch ground. I hit the ground, but not too hard, and the two stacked planes kind of fell off and skidded in two directions. one of them ended at the end of the street, the other went into a building.



Some people were injured, and from the one that went into a building I seen a girl walk out, and a guy was lying in a puddle with some blood. As it seemed, a piece of his head was sliced off, exposing his skull and brain. but he was getting up and even talking and concious.



Weird.

Bloody Rage

Today started nicely. It rained, and I love the rain.

Then I arrived at work, and it all spiraled downhill from there.

The feeling inside me is like a breathlessness and anxiousness and impatience and simple rage all at the same time.

It makes it that much harder to handle calls, or people in the course of the workday.

I need to hold myself so as not to yell at them and/or storm out and just get away.

Taking deep breaths helps for a short while, but if I keep taking deep breaths all I'll get is hyperventilation and dizzyness as a result of too much exygen in my blood.

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Making a buck (online)

Even with my recent pay raise, I'm on the quest for more money. That includes taking private jobs, and also looking online for things I can do from home or work.

As I cannot spend too much time on it, and I want the flexibility of choosing when to work, I started looking at PTR (Pay-to-read), PTC (Pay-to-click), and survey sites.

All those give you small amounts of cash per email read, links clicked on, and surveys filled.

Also, I found a product testing site, that lets you test products (daah..) and get paid for it, as well as (optionally) keep the product (not every time).

It's small things, but now at least I started. Moved from research to actual work.

Wish me luck!

Prague

Nature Films

Nature movies are the thing of now. Since I got me a media streamer and a (somewhat) HD television set, the prettiest thing to watch on tv is nature films.

My mom said it best: it looks like the picture pops out at you. Animal chases, vast areas, natural disasters and events - all look so much better.

For me its also a bit of a substitute to travel. If I cannot afford the time or money to go to all those wonderful places, at least I can watch them from the comfort of my home. A poor (somewhat) man's solution.

Rain comes only at night

Rain comes only at night lately. At best it comes in early morning.

It pisses me off. I want rain for hours. to clean the streets, clear the mind, drench and wash away so many things. The dust, the dirt, the hot-headedness all to be washed away. far far away.

I think this country would be a lot better with much more water in it. It would create a shift in the mind of people. Sun turns you hot and hasty, Rain turns you colder and thoughtful.

There was a news piece about the threat of Tsunami that may hit Israel. As imminent as a big earthquake as the two seem to be linked together, and an earthquake is due in this decade.

I remember back in highschool how I ran in the rain. I had a free period, and I just went out to the court and started running around in the pouring rain. It made me smile then, as it makes me smile now as I remember it.

Rain is not all good. and it can get old really fast. But for now, what I want is lots of rain.

Air Lines

I love traveling. When I used to travel in the past, the airline I chose was of no real consequence to me. As long as I got there in one piece, I was happy.

It's either my age that made me more picky or it might be that the quality of airline service that decreased with time. Either way, even big airlines have dissapointed me in my last flights. No matter if it was far off destinations, or shorter 2-5 hours flights.

Thing is, my choice of airline is limited more by the price than by anything else. I choose the cheaper ones, and I get lemons.

I hope that in my next flight I'll be able to use some frequent flyer miles to upgrade and have a more enjoyable experience.

Lacking Money sucks.

New Rain

Rain came back today. it was about 2 or 3 AM that a shower of rain washed over the city and cleaned it. Well, not completely, but its a start.

There's this smell of after the rain. I know it's dust being lifted from the ground by the force of the falling rain. I also know the smell of after-rain that you get after a few days of showers. That really clean air. Still waiting for that one.

Dust is darn abundant here. It's one of the things that makes me dislike if not hate the city I live in. Israel as a whole is dusty, but there are cleaner places then this city.

Plus people don't really seem to care. They don't care that their environment is getting more difficult to breathe in, that pulmonary diseases become more common by the day, that even coughing is more and more common.

Everyone loves complaining, while sitting on their comfy chairs and doing nothing but blowing air out and sucking air in. I'm not exempt from that.

We kill ourselves. Little by little every single day. We delude ourselves like nothing will happen to us. Things like that happen to other people. Not to us.

Only we're all together on the same globe. Butterfly effect and all that jazz.

What we think happens only to other people, those other people think only happens to us. And both us and those other people are right.

I think it's why I love rain. It gives us some reprieve. Maybe the illusion, that things are still okay. That earth mends itself, and that we didnt manage to completely crap it all up as yet.

And then I have this cough that doesnt go away.

Direction

How do you find a direction in life? how do you make decisions? and most importantly, how do you know you made the right decisions?

Someone once told me there are no wrong decisions. Any decision, eventually leads to something, and so you keep moving in your dynamic life (unless of course that decision leads to death).

Do any of you talk to god? I don't talk to him, but I try and find some higher guidance. From within my head. If god is energy, and matter is also made of energy, then god is in everything. Myself included.

So far, no answers. Still waiting. Searching, asking, moving slowly through life.

The same person told me, that no decisions leads to something as well. And in a hand writing test I took some years ago, I was told that decision making is a big issue with me. Duh.

Is it the fear of resolve? Is it just my somewhat transient character? Always had a difficult time telling.